Self-Loathing Much?
It's us. It's always us. We look everywhere but inside. What's our problem?
Welcome aboard the good ship Compass Star, where we we put the FUN in Dysfunction! Grab a glass of guilt or a snack of shame, maybe even a dose of denial for this trip. We’re sailing the seas of self-loathing, on the lookout for the white whale - Self-Hate.
Oh what a trip this will be. Almost destined to shipwreck, we’ll blindly sail on towards the light. Through every storm and squall, we’ll batten down the hatches and crest every wave. Out of chaos, at dawn, the smoothness will scare us and we’ll wander again. And wonder.
CSW is about growth opportunities I’ve had. Usually, those teachable moments were wrapped in mistakes, misery, or misfortune. Age allows time to ruminate and reflect, for decades to multiply in a quest to understand the personal past - the actual self.
If you are a fellow traveler or a skeptical spectator, I’m happy to share our time together.
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Let’s look at the dark but start with the art. I trust The Robot enough to confer human characteristics upon them. Not just for animals anymore, anthropomorphism is making mankind as God never has. Robotic poetry is eerily emotional, and this Haiku is a prime example.
Silent, dark whispers, Mirror shows a tired soul— Self-loathing's deep chill. The Robot
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer: What is self-loathing? Cue the insecure white guy. And what’s more pathetically uplifting than that? The Robot heaping scorn in a delightfully-depressing ditty. Oh, Sundays are Fundays indeed!
In a mirror, he saw a sad face, His reflection, a state of disgrace. With a heart full of woe, He felt painfully low, Self-loathing, his daily embrace. The Robot
What is self-loathing? Can we see it? Does it look at all like what The Robot thinks it does? Is it infectious or contagious? Is anyone immune from it? What are the causes, symptoms, and effects of self-loathing? Is there a cure?
What Is Self-Loathing?
I’ve written about the utility of survival skills inbred into Gen-X via chaotic tumultuous childhoods in escaping said childhoods, but how those same skills cause suffering in adulthood. The reason is compartmentalizing. Emotions, feelings, reactions, expressions, opinions. You know, all of the stuff that make one unique. Beat out of you as a kid, and beat into you as an adult. We’re fucked coming and going.
Tied up and hidden away, we expend untold anxiety locking and unlocking those boxes and bundles of baggage. Surprise! Our survival of childhood was more like a series of small battle victories in an overall unsupervised, unscripted landscape of wordmines. Each battle opened another front on feelings and exposed emotional empathizers. Our confidence in ourselves grew, not of choice, but of necessity.
But did we even know what we were tucking away? I read the paragraph below and it really resonated with me. We love, or hate, a thing before we even know what the thing is.
I fell in love with the virtues of reading before I understood what I was teaching myself to learn, which was: how to be wanted and how to be hated, for the same reasons. Isn’t that how it always happens? The moment when what you love comes before you know why you love; or even before you know if it’s worth loving at all. And then we work so hard to hold on to that first thought, as though it is our best thought, knowing and feeling not opposed but no matter how hard we try to make it so it is not the same.
That’s from a thoughtful piece written by Haley Mlotek a few years ago. It’s well worth your time. But there’s good news here. Hard to believe right? Self-Loathing is a notch above Self-Hatred. I’m so relieved. I mean, To Loathe or To Hate Thyself is an undercurrent of current survival skills.
Just like Liam in Taken, we sense a wavelength disturbance. A sound, a word, a glance. Don’t call me. I’ll call you. It activates us to react. Not in productive ways, usually.
We kinda look at it from around the outside, as it were. And always knowing it’s from the inside. We hate what we are and love what we’re not. That sucks, and is probably the root cause of Polite Society. We strive to join a club we loathe.
Well, maybe one cure is to become a hermit. But I’m sure self-loathing will follow us around, no matter where we lay our heads at night.
What are we battling?
However, there is another mental issue that nobody talks about, despite the fact that it constantly resides in plain sight. You see it everywhere, particularly in Internet memes where it is normally passed off as a joke. Jokes or not, the popularity of these memes shows that they resonate with thousands, possibly millions of people around the world, and as much as everyone appears to be laughing, it’s not something that should be taken lightly. This issue is one of self-hatred.
Though the two are often intertwined, self-hatred and depression are different beasts. Whilst depression can make you feel low, the reasons behind that can be varied, or even unknown. Self-hatred, on the other hand, is much more personal. You’re not down because of politics, or because of COVID, or because of unemployment. You’re down because you can’t stand your own existence and that is a totally different ball game.
In the piece above, the author discusses social media as a force multiplier for self-loathing. And it identifies the culprit. It’s us. Always has been, always will be. And we call them our demons!
Comparison is the thief of joy and it leads to self-loathing, be it because you don’t like your appearance or how your life is panning out. It’s a hidden pandemic and it must be fought, but to be fought effectively it cannot remain hidden any longer. That people constantly hate themselves is indicative of a society that is deeply unhappy with itself, and unless we do something about it now, this problem will only spread further.
Well, how do we fix it then?
For me, the first step that I was able to take and then consistently build upon is this. Once ones brain gets used to accepting praise, it becomes easier to praise oneself. It’s easier the more you do it.
Learn to Accept Compliments
If you view yourself in a hateful way, it's hard to take a compliment. It may even feel foreign and uncomfortable and so you'll dismiss it or minimize to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Learning how to accept a compliment will take practice, but it is possible. The next time someone compliments you, try saying "thank you"—and stop there. Resist the urge to follow it up with a self-critical or dismissive response.
Thank you, for being here. For being you. And for caring enough about others to spend time learning about yourself. Your time is valuable, and I care for it as much as I care for you. And listen to the playlist to smile.
Accept the next compliment you receive,
Ric
Good one.
Thoughtful reading.