Can Women Really “Have It All”?

Published on July 25, 2014 on LinkedIn

Hi Friends,

I came across some essays I posted on LinkedIn well over five years ago. Funny how things really don’t change. Keep in mind The Oldest is now 26 and The Youngest is now 20.

After reading many posts and articles lately about women “Having It All”, it got me to thinking about life and the fact that I am surrounded by many successful women: at home with my wife and two daughters; at work, with colleagues and supervisors; and in my social sphere, with team coaches, friends and family.

I then read about the absurd comparison between Kim Kardashian, famous for being famous, and Indra Nooyi, the CEO of Pepsi, which has provided yet another flash point for many comments on this subject. In our celebrity-obsessed culture, it is really easy to make unfair and unrealistic comparisons about success, and what that means.

I know that this current discussion seems to revolve mostly around women, and their work/life balance, but I think men should be a part of that discussion. Men’s (father/husband) contributions, or lack thereof, have an impact on how women eventually define success. Much of that comes from how we men define success.

Something happened to me when I was about 22 or 23 years old that changed my perception of success, and about whom I compare myself to. After living out of state, I had returned to my parents’ house, jobless and broke (how much have things changed in the last 25 years? – that’s another post!) As I was sitting in the back seat on the way to buy a $500 Honda to provide cheap transportation to and from an entry-level job my sister had procured for me, we stopped at a red light.

I noticed a blind guy about my age, walking with his cane waving in front of him. He looked pretty content, and as he approached a bus-stop sign, his cane failed to tap the sign post. He walked full-speed right into the sign post. It hit him square in the face, directly on the nose. He bounced back a step, touched his nose to make sure it wasn’t bleeding, shook it off and continued along his way. Wow, here I was, lost in self-pity because of my circumstances. Compared to some people, I had nothing: living in my parent’s basement, soon to be driving a crappy beater car, working in a cubicle, my life sucked!

But you know what? That blind guy just whacked himself full-on into a sign post, and never missed a beat. He couldn’t even see. I know nothing about him other than the fact that he was blind. I compared myself to him on the basis of that alone – I had my sight, and could see the sign posts ahead of me so I would not walk into them. It dawned on me that it makes all the difference in the world to whom one compares oneself. Now I am not saying that my life was better than that blind guy, only that I was super depressed because I didn’t “have it all”. Well, neither did the blind guy, but he kept on walking, even after hitting a road block.

I guess my point is this: we have a choice about who we compare ourselves to. I would much rather have my daughters compare themselves to the CEO of Pepsi than to the star of a sex-tape. Indra Nooyi legitimately questions whether she has spent enough quality time focused on her family. She certainly has provided for them financially, as has Kim Kardashian. But whereas Ms. Nooyi has the self-awareness that her financial success has come at a steep price for her and her family, Ms. Kardashian seems blissfully unaware of the nature of her celebrity, and how that may someday affect her children. Ms. Nooyi self-consciously admits that she does not have it all, and Ms. Kardashian proudly proclaims just the opposite.

I quizzed the wife, who is a pre-school teacher, and my daughters – the Oldest, 19, a sophomore at Whittier College, and The Youngest, 14, an incoming freshman in high school, about what “having it all” means to them. The Youngest’s answer was very introspective – to her it means meeting her own expectations and achieving the goals she sets for herself. The Eldest’s definition was indicative of my perception of a young lady just finished with her first year of college. She feels that “having it all” is most concerned with being satisfied with oneself, from the inside out. Material wealth is a factor, but not the most important one. Spiritual, emotional, physical and mental well-being is her yardstick to measure success.

The wife’s answer wasn't exactly what I expected, but it made me proud. She informed me that she does “have it all”! Not a “perfect” life, but a well-lived one. She has had the opportunity to be involved in her daughter’s lives, to work in a profession that provides intrinsic value and that positively affects the lives of her students, and to be able to manage a relationship with yours truly for almost 23 years of matrimony.

When we look at people around us, especially the rich and/or famous, we see only their public façade. When we compare ourselves to that, we all would fall short. Why is it that we don’t compare ourselves to homeless people, or third-world people, or the disease-stricken? If we did, we might see that, indeed, we do have it all. We just may not have everything we covet.

If you enjoyed reading this post, and find that it provokes a feeling or makes you think, I sure would appreciate your commentary. I have recently started posting, and find that real-life situations and circumstances are what I most enjoy writing about. I thank you for your time, and if you like what you read, consider following me so that you can read more!